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The very secret diary of Samwise Gamgee

DAY ONE
Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.
Did I say that out loud?

DAY THREE
Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.
Poncy old git probably hasn’t taken a bath since the Second Age.

DAY FOUR
Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.

DAY FIVE
Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.
Gandalf no fun at all.
*sulk*

DAY SIX
Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers are all wrinkled.
Decided not to tell him about all the baths.

DAY SEVEN
Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!
Okay, so possibly isn’t all that tall.

DAY EIGHT
Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me.
Especially Boromir. “Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight” my Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.

DAY NINE
Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything.

DAY TEN
V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.
Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire not versed in wordly ways.
Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.
Ick.

DAY FIFTEEN
Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts.
Hate Pippin.

DAY TWENTY-TWO
Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.
Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.

DAY TWENTY-THREE
Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that’s a big fib don’t we.

DAY TWENTY-FOUR
Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.
Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord’s realm.
We will see about that

The very secret diary of Frodo Baggins

DAY ONE
Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful. Wasn’t quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.

DAY THREE
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.

DAY FOUR
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.

DAY SIX
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.
He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.
Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

DAY TEN
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.
Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.
It must truly be an object of awesome power.

DAY ELEVEN
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show.
Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.

DAY TWENTY-FOUR
Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately.
Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.

DAY TWENTY-SEVEN
Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, “No, there’s something else I’d rather have from you, Frodo Baggins,” and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.

DAY THIRTY
Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts.
Pippin does remember we’re cousins, right?
Right?

DAY THIRTY-THREE
Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.

DAY THIRTY-SIX
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.
Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he’s so good at.
Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.

Part of the ‘Very Secret Diary’ series by Cassandra Claire

The very secret diary of Gimli, son of Gloin

DAY ONE
Grr. Argh.

DAY TWO
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday.
On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.

DAY THREE
Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning.
What WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they cant even grow decent beards.

DAY SEVEN
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely ignoring hottie elf fiance in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her loneliness.
Later.
Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!

DAY NINE
Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about our relationship.

DAY THIRTEEN
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in his trousers. Thats right, Isildurs Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.

DAY FOURTEEN
In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.

DAY FIFTEEN
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not.

DAY SIXTEEN
Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lech. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for illicit spanking games.

DAY TWENTY
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves.

DAY TWENTY-TWO
Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.

Part of the ‘Very Secret Diary’ series by Cassandra Claire

The very seret diary of Boromir of Gondor

DAY ONE
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he’s so great because he’s shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn’t mean that….what? Got distracted there for a bit.
Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn’s enormous…rudeness.
Ooops.

DAY THREE
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

DAY FOUR
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back.
Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he’d feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his…
Stupid Ring.

DAY FIVE
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.
Ha Ha! Ha!
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

DAY SIX
Aragorn still into Frodo. “Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo.” “Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras.” “Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo’s head while he’s asleep so you can get at the Ring.”
Blatant favoritism most annoying.

DAY TEN
Why isn’t Aragorn into me ?

DAY ELEVEN
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.
Kind of liked it, actually.
Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too…
In other news, Gandalf died.

DAY THIRTY
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness.
Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git.
Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.
Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other.
Stupid Aragorn.

DAY THIRTY-THREE
Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won’t even let me look at it. Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.
Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)
Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!

DAY THIRTY-FIVE
Killed by orcs.
Stupid orcs.

Part of the ‘Very Secret Diary’ series by Cassandra Claire

The secret diary of Legolas, son of Weenus

DAY ONE
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission – gold ring so tacky.

DAY FOUR
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down.
Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!

DAY SIX
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle.
Orcs so silly.
Still the prettiest.

DAY TEN
Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more.
Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

DAY ELEVEN
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.
Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.
I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now? Still prettiest by far.

DAY THIRTY
All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.
Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still the prettiest.

DAY THIRTY-THREE
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.
Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself “Stacey” who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.

DAY THIRTY-FIVE
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on.
Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really.
Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.

Part of the ‘Very Secret Diary’ series by Cassandra Claire

The secret diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn

DAY ONE
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.

DAY FOUR
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.

DAY SIX
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.
Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.

DAY TEN
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.
Not King today either.

DAY ELEVEN
Ocs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.

DAY THIRTY
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.
Nice chat with Boromir. Hes not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.

DAY THIRTY-TWO
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.

DAY THRITY-THREE
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now
quite sure that he was very definitely ***.
Not so sure about Gimli either.
RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.

DAY THIRTY-FOUR
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.

Part of the ‘Very Secret Diary’ series by Cassandra Claire

every os sucks

Well hi there
Thank you for downloading another fine quality comedy product from Three dead trolls in a baggie and your friends at mp3.com
Good for you
Of course, if you’ve downloaded this from napster, screw you, you know what, free isn’t good enough for you, your gotta rip us of, thats okay, I will find you and I will kill you
ha, ha, ha
You see, I come from a time in the nineteen hundred and seventies
when computers where used for two things
too either go to the moon or play pong
and nothing inbetween, you see
and You didn’t need a fancy operating system to play pong
and the men who went to the moon, god bless them
did it with no mouse
and a plain text only black and white screen
and thiry-two kilobytes of ram
but then round about the late seventies
home computers started to do a little bit more than play pong
very little more
why computers started to play games
and balance check books
why, you could play zakon on you apple II or write a book
all with a computer that had thirty-two kilobytes of ram
It was enough to go to the moon
it was enought for you
it was a golden time
a time before windows
a time before mouses
a time before the internet and bloatware
and a time before every OS sucked
ahhh
mmm
Well way back in the olden times my computer worked for me
I’d laugh and play all night and day on zork one, two and three
the amiga, vic 20 and sinclair two, the trs 80 and the apple II
they did what they where supposed to do
It wasn’t much but it was enough
but then xerox made a prototype
Steve Jobs came on the scene
read of mice and menues windows, icons, trash and a bitmapped screen
Oh stevie said to xerox boys, turn your heads and cough
and when noone was looking he ripped their interfaces off
stole every feature that he had seen
put it in a cute box with a tiny little screen
MacOS ran that machine
only cost 5000 bucks
but it was slow
it was buggy
so they wrote it again
and now they’re up to OS ten
they’ll charge you for the beta, then charge you again
but the MacOS still sucks
every OS wastes your time
from the desktop to the lap
every thing since apple dos
just a bunch of crap
from microsoft and macintosh
to lin-ly-lin-ly-nucs
evey computer crashes
cause ever os sucks
well then microsoft jumped in the game
copied apples interface with an os named
windows three point one
it was twice as lame
but the stock price rose and rose
then windows 95, then 98
man, solitarie never ran so great
and every single version came out late
but I guess thats the way it go
but that bloatware will crash and delete your work
and dme man none of them work
bill gates may be richer than captain kirk
but the windows os blows
and sucks
at the same time
I’d trade it in, yeah, right
for what
it’s top of the line
from the compuhut
the fridge, stove and toaster
never crash on me
I should be able to get online
without a Phd
my phone doesn’t take a week to boot it
my tv doesn’t crash when I mute it
I miss ascii text in my floppy drive
I wish vic 20 was still alive
It ain’t the hardware man
it’s just that every OS sucks
and blows
Now theres lin-ux or ly-nic
I don’t know how you say it
or how you install it or use it or play it
or where you download it or what programs run
but lin-ux or ly-nic don’t look like much fun
however you say it
it’s getting great press
though how it survives is anyones guess
if you ask me it’s a great big mess
for elitist nerdy schmucks
it’s free they say
if you can get it to run
the geeks say hey, thats half the fun
yeah, but I’ve got a girlfriend and things to get done
the linux OS sucks
I’m sorry to say it but it does
every os wastes your time
from the desktop to the lap
everything since the abacus, just a bunch of crap
from microsfot and macintosh
to lin-ly-lin-ly-nucs
every computer crashes cause evey os sucks
every computer crashes cause evey os sucks

the war of 1812

Oh come back proud canadians
to before you had tv
no hockey night in canada
there was no cbc
(oh my god!)
in 1812 madison was mad
he was the president you know
well he thought he’d tell the british
where they ought to go
he though he’d invade canada
he thought that he was tough
instead we went to washington
and burned down all his stuff
and the whitehouse burned, burned, burned
and we’re the ones that did it
it burned, burned, burned
while the president ran and cried
it burned burned burned
and things where very historical
and the americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies, wah, wah, wah
in the war of 1812!
Now some hillbillies from Kentucky
dressed in green and red
left home to fight in Canada
but they returned home dead
Its only war the Yankees lost
except for Vietnam
and also the Alamo
right
and the Bay of… Ham
The loser was America
The winner was ourselves
So join right in and gloat about
The war of 1812
and the whitehouse burned, burned, burned
and we’re the ones that did it
it burned, burned, burned
while the president ran and cried
it burned burned burned
and things where very historical
and the americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies, wah, wah, wah
in the war of 1812!

In 1812 we where just sitting around
minding our own business
putting crops into the ground
we heard the soldiers comeing and we didn’t like that sound
so we took a boat to washington
and burned it to the ground

oh, we fired our guns
but the yankees kept on coming
there wasn’t quite as many as there was awhile ago
we fired once more and the yankees started running
down the missasipi
to the gulf of mexico..o..o..o

they ran though the snow
and they ran though the forest
they ran though the bushes where the beavers wouldn’t go
they ran so fast they forgot to take their culture
back to america…aa…aa

so if you go to washington
it’s bulidings, clean and nice
bring a pack of matches
and
we’ll
burn the whitehouse twice
and the whitehouse burned burned burned
and the americans won’t admit it
it burned burnedburned
burnedburnedburned
burnedburnedburned
I bet that payed them back

gloria gaynor remix: male version

First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would’ve drunk a little less,
I would’ve tried to keep my head.
If I’d known for just one second you’d
Assault me in your bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door
But you’ve been sitting on my legs and
I Can’t feel them anymore
And now you’re sitting on my face,
my nose has vanished – not a trace,
I only hope that you’re big knickers aren’t
Made of liquorice lace

I want to go, I’ve got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
Only hope that no one saw me walking home
With such a slut.
God the things that you get up to
when you’re half cut.

Please let me go, I’m getting scared
There’s nothing I can do to stop those ugly
Breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what
Made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I’ve just
Filled up with water

It’s time to go, run out the door
She’s started hinting she wants sex on her
Dirty lino floor
I don’t think there’s anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.

I WILL SURVIVE !

gloria gaynor remix: female version

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly w*nker that was lying by my side.
I would’ve drunk a little less, I would’ve
Tried to keep my head,
If I’d know for just one second I’d be in
Your crusty bed…

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that
I’ve fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it’s just a broken-out disgrace,
But I’d rather look at that, than at your
F###ing ugly face…!

I want to go, I’ve got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes
Me want to heave.
I only know I’ve got to stop my drinking
Spirits and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you
Looked just like Richard Gere!

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you’re
An ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate,
At least he’s got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I’m
Stuck with you, you twat.

It’s time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I’m going to give up all the booze, I’m going
To have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me
Want to be a nun!

I WILL SURVIVE!!

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