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The Secret Diaries

The very secret diary of Saruman the White

DAY ONE Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru. Perhaps will have a look at the palantir. DAY TWO Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not just because am […]

The very secret diary of Gandalf the Grey

DAY ONE In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along? DAY TWO Bilbo’s Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho […]

The very secret diary of Meriadoc Brandybuck

DAY ONE Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when washing dishes punishment followed by polishing Gandalfs staff punishment and massaging Gandalfs feet punishment and nude leapfrog in […]

The very secret diary of Peregrine Took

DAY ONE Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed by Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly familiar and grabby. Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot. After he found […]

The very secret diary of Samwise Gamgee

DAY ONE Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die. Did I say that out loud? DAY THREE Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get […]

The very secret diary of Frodo Baggins

DAY ONE Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful. Wasn’t quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine. DAY THREE Have agreed to […]

The very secret diary of Gimli, son of Gloin

DAY ONE Grr. Argh. DAY TWO Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus […]

The very seret diary of Boromir of Gondor

DAY ONE Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he’s so great because he’s shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn’t mean that….what? Got distracted there […]

The secret diary of Legolas, son of Weenus

DAY ONE Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission – gold ring so tacky. DAY FOUR Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy […]

The secret diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn

DAY ONE Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good. Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it. Still not King. DAY FOUR Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. Not King yet. DAY SIX Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. […]