In Humour on
20 March 2009 tagged list of 10 with Comments Off on 10 worse pickup lines
10. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
9. Is there a keg in your pants because I’d like to tap that @$$.
8. OK, I’m not the best looking one here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
7. You don’t look very good yet, but just let me drink a few more and I’ll love you.
6. Excuse me, I know I don’t know you but can we have sex now?
5. Why not?
4. You know those pants are nice, they’ll look even nicer on my bedroom floor.
3. Wait, don’t say anything, I’m having a fantasy.
2. Hi my name is ________, remember it because you’ll be screaming it all night.
In Humour on
20 March 2009 tagged list of 10 with Comments Off on 10 things not to say during sex
10. But everybody looks funny naked!
9. Do you accept Visa?
8. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
7. Try not to leave any stains, okay?
6. I want a baby!
5. When is this supposed to feel good?
4. Did I remember to take my pill?
3. You’re almost as good as my ex!(Or your sister).
2. You look younger than you feel.
1. You can cook too, right?
In Humour on
20 March 2009 tagged list of 10 with Comments Off on 10 reasons why beer is better than religion
10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn’t try to ruin your sex life.
8. Wars are not fought over beer.
7. They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
6. When you have a beer, you don’t knock on other people’s doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer.
4. You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying beer labels can’t lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
1. If you become addicted to beer, there are groups to help you escape.
In Humour on
20 March 2009 tagged list of 10 with Comments Off on 10 reasons why beer is better than sex
10. You can have a beer in public.
9. When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer.
8. A beer won’t get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.
7. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
6. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
5. You always know you’re the first one to pop a beer.
4. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
3. A beer is always wet.
2. A beer always goes down easy.
1. You can share a beer with your friends.
In Humour on
20 March 2009 tagged list of 10 with Comments Off on 10 reasons why halloween is better than sex
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. It’s OK when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you ARE someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.
3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. You can “do” the whole neighborhood!!!
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on xp errors
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows XP:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
10) This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”
11) To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
22) Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?
24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word.
“Word has detected that you don’t wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?”
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. Capacity now at 40% of 20GB (Just Windows)
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on girlfriend
Dear Technical Support:
I’m currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1 .0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right – as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1. .0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but Girl Friend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.
And I’ve never liked how Girl Friend is totally “object-oriented.” A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1 .0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else.
One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns cut the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherlnLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient resources.
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on hello, world!
===================
High School/Jr.High
===================
10 PRINT “HELLO WORLD”
20 END
=====================
First year in College
=====================
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln(‘Hello World’);
end.
======================
Senior year in College
======================
(defun hello
(print
(cons ‘Hello (list ‘World))))
================
New professional
================
#include
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {“Hello “, “World”};
int i;
for(i = 0; i Release();
// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();
return(0); }
extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;
CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820
*/
0x2573F891,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};
UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /*2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820
*/
0x2573F890,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};
#include
#include
#include
#include
#include
#include “pshlo.h”
#include “shlo.hxx”
#include “clsid.h”
int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
HRESULT hRslt;
IHello *pHello;
ULONG ulCnt;
IMoniker * pmk;
WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];
// get object path
wcsPath[0] = ‘ ’;
wcsT[0] = ‘ ’;
if( argc 1) {
mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
wcsupr(wcsPath);
}
else {
fprintf(stderr, “Object path must be specifiedn”);
return(1);
}
// get print string
if(argc 2)
mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
else
wcscpy(wcsT, L”Hello World”);
printf(“Linking to object %wsn”, wcsPath);
printf(“Text String %wsn”, wcsT);
// Initialize the OLE libraries
hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {
hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {
// print a string out
pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);
Sleep(2000);
ulCnt = pHello->Release();
}
else
printf(“Failure to connect, status: %lx”, hRslt);
// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();
}
return(0);
}
=================
Apprentice Hacker
=================
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg=”Hello, world.n”;
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, “>” . $outfilename) | die “Can’t write $arg: $!n”;
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die “Can’t close $arg: $!n”;
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;
==================
Experienced Hacker
==================
#include
#define S “Hello, Worldn”
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}
===============
Seasoned Hacker
===============
% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out
===========
Guru Hacker
===========
% cat
Hello, world.
^D
=====================
AXE System programmer
=====================
LL0:
.seg “data”
.seg “text”
.proc 04
.global _main
_main:
!#PROLOGUE# 0
sethi %hi(LF26),%g1
add %g1,%lo(LF26),%g1
save %sp,%g1,%sp
!#PROLOGUE# 1
.seg “data1”
L30:
.ascii “Hello, World 12 ”
.seg “text”
.seg “data1”
L32:
.ascii “Hello, World 12 ”
.seg “text”
set L32,%o0
call _strlen,1
nop
mov %o0,%i5
set L30,%o0
call _printf,1
nop
cmp %o0,%i5
bne L2000000
nop
mov 0,%o0
b L2000001
nop
L2000000:
mov 0x1,%o0
L2000001:
call _exit,1
nop
LE26:
ret
restore
LF26 = -96
LP26 = 96
LST26 = 96
LT26 = 96
.seg “data”
0000000 0103 0107 0000 0060 0000 0020 0000 0000
0000020 0000 0030 0000 0000 0000 0054 0000 0000
0000040 033f ffff 8200 63a0 9de3 8001 1100 0000
0000060 9012 2000 4000 0000 0100 0000 ba10 0008
0000100 1100 0000 9012 2000 4000 0000 0100 00 ba10 0008
0000100 1100 0000 9012 2000 4000 0000 0100 0000
0000120 80a2 001d 1280 0005 0100 0000 9010 2000
0000140 1080 0003 0100 0000 9010 2001 4000 0000
0000160 0100 0000 81c7 e008 81e8 0000 0000 0000
0000200 4865 6c6c 6f2c 2057 6f72 6c64 0a00 4865
0000220 6c6c 6f2c 2057 6f72 6c64 0a00 0000 0000
0000240 0000 000c 0000 0608 0000 006e 0000 0010
0000260 0000 060b 0000 006e 0000 0014 0000 0286
0000300 ffff ffec 0000 0020 0000 0608 0000 0060
0000320 0000 0024 0000 060b 0000 0060 0000 0028
0000340 0000 0186 ffff ffd8 0000 004c 0000 0386
0000360 ffff ffb4 0000 0004 0500 0000 0000 0000
0000400 0000 000a 0100 0000 0000 0000 0000 0012
0000420 0100 0000 0000 0000 0000 001a 0100 0000
0000440 0000 0000 0000 0020 5f6d 6169 6e00 5f70
0000460 7269 6e74 6600 5f73 7472 6c65 6e00 5f65
0000500 7869 7400
0000504
% axe_generate -f system.uhdl
Application ‘Exchange’ generated
2324042350000000 source code lines
No Errors detected.
Hardware retrieval…done OK
Certification Test…done OK
Packing…………..done OK
Delivery………….done OK
Application ‘Exchange’ delivered to customer
23456000 bytes/sec.
End processing, 2345 seconds.
===========================
Ultra high level programmer
===========================
system.uhdl :
SYSTEM
CREATE ScreenWin
SIZE 20000000/Unit=One
DESTINATION Order.dest[One]
OUTPUT CHARACTER[‘Hello world’]
END
END
===========
New Manager
===========
10 PRINT “HELLO WORLD”
20 END
==============
Middle Manager
==============
mail -s “Hello, world.” bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
==============
Senior Manager
==============
% zmail all
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.
===============
Chief Executive
===============
% message
message: Command not found
% pm
pm: Command not found
% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
help mail
help: Command not found.
>what
what: Command not found
>need help
need: Command not found
damn!
!: Event unrecognized
>exit
exit: Unknown
>quit
%
% logout
Bipppp! Mrs Thomsson? Please page Tommy for me. NOW!
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on computer chickens
NT Chicken
Was going to cross the road in June. No, August. Anyway – it’s going to cross the road real soon now.
OS/2 Chicken
It tried to cross the road several times, and finally gave up.
Win 95 Chicken
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like… chicken.
Micro$oft© ChickenT¸
It’s already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
OOP Chicken
It doesn’t need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken
First it builds the road …
C Chicken
It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken
The chicken wouldn’t have to cross the road, you’d simply refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken
Call CrossRoad(ByRef Chicken)
Delphi Chicken
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download a chicklet to the other side.
Web Chicken
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Newton Chicken
Can’t cluck, can’t fly, and can’t lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket.
Cray Chicken
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don’t dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Quantum Logic Chicken
The chicken is distributed probabilistically on both sides of all roads in every parallel universe until you collapse its wavefunction on the other side of your particular road.
Lotus Chicken
Don’t you dare try to cross the road the same way we do!
Mac Chicken
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there’s no way to tell it to.
COBOL Chicken
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY I UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
UNIX chicken
In the next county, but accessible as if on both sides of the road
In Humour on
20 March 2009 tagged theregister with Comments Off on dr spinola’s guide to technical support
So you want to be a support profesional
Technical support is possibly the simplest area of the IT industry. Some organisations would appear to have got hold of the wrong end of the stick and introduced a call centre located in Bosnia, Scotland or Northern Ireland staffed with willing, knowledgeable people who unfortunately cannot speak a word of English.
Others seem to go for a fun-packed, caring, sharing chat room approach where you discover (after an hour at £1 a minute) that you are talking to a sad widower from Helsinki, a serial killer from Detroit, a Tory member of parliament, an alien from the planet Zarg and absolutely no one from technical support.
The golden rule of tech support is that you always know more than the poor sucker calling in.
Let’s look at a few examples.
1. Hello, I seem to have forgotten my password.
Well, let’s see if I can help. Just tell me your credit card numbers, your pin, your mother’s maiden name, your bank account details and any other secret codes you use. Now simply ignore any unusual transactions on your bank and credit card statements for the next six months. These will be insignificant errors caused by the clearing of your password.
2. But what is my password?
I think you’ll find it’s ‘password’.
3. My monitor is blank. What should I do?
Monitors can display blankness for a number of reasons:
Do you have a visual impairment such as total blindness?
Do you still have a bag over your head from a dimly-remembered sleazy encounter last night?
Are you a Guardian proof-reader?
4. My PC is making strange gasping noises. What could be wrong?
You have probably stumbled across an erotic website. Simply forward me the url.
5. Last week I bought a Cape Cod motherboard because Intel said there was absolutely nothing wrong with it despite 27 reports to the contrary in that sleazy online rag, The Register. Now I discover that it is as useful as a copy of Windows 2000 to a committed game player. What do you recommend?
Keep the mobo. You will find a myriad of uses for it. You could try hanging it over the front door to ward off evil spirits; possibly as a mouse mat which will help you avoid RSI due to its uneven surface; or even as security against a bank loan – “this CC820 may only be worth $100, but if I send it back to Intel, they will send me a replacement motherboard, $1,000 worth of RDAM and a no-questions-asked hush money payment in excess of five figures.”
6. I have recently taken the advice of a charlatan going by the name of Dr. Spinola. What should I do?
My best advice would be to avoid pressing charges. We know where you live; we have your bank details; and we have no conscience.
7. What is the best way to choose a new PC?
Go for a beige one.
8. How do I know you are a reliable source of information?
Ha ha ha! If you need to ask such questions, you are probably a senior Intel marketing manager.
9. I have a number of small but niggling problems with my computer. It seems to work fine, but occasionally it seems to display the wrong font. What should I do?
Simply boot your system from a floppy disk and type “FORMAT C:” All your problems will be different, if not actually solved.
10. I have a sneaky feeling that you have at least two different personalities. One would appear to be a disreputable old drunk from Aberdeen and the other a disreputable old drunk from just north of London. Occasionally you also seem to turn into a, feathered, American law enforcer who pretends to live in Wales who is also almost certainly a disreputable old drunk. What should I believe?
You should believe in death, taxes, Larry Ellison’s loathing of Bill Gates and Intel’s inability to ship a working chipset.
© El Reg
