In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on 12 step recovery plan
12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR NETWORK ADDICTS
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on standard newsgroup response form
Dear
[ ] Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] AOLer
[ ] “Me too”er [ ] Pervert [ ] WebTVer
[ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Pre-teen
[ ] Smartass [ ] Freak [ ] Dumbass
[ ] All of the above
You Are Being Flamed Because
[ ] You posted using Microsoft’s crappy & buggy program
[ ] You expect us to send all the replies to your mailbox
[ ] You posted asking for warez sites
[ ] You want to know how to write viruses
[ ] You continued a long/stupid thread
[ ] You begun an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a “YOU ALL SUCK” message
[ ] You are a troll
[ ] You tried to take on this whole newsgroup (see “troll” above)
[ ] You are a lamer
[ ] You quoted a long article without snipping
[ ] in a very short reply
[ ] You flamed a poor guy in distress trying to find some help
[ ] You flamed someone who is more intelligent than you
[ ] You flamed someone who has been around far longer than you
[ ] You flamed someone for making a spelling mistake
[ ] and misspelled something yourself
[ ] You said “me too” to something. We hate you people.
[ ] You suck.
[ ] Your
[ ] Signature
[ ] Domain name
[ ] Alias
[ ] Website
[ ] ISP
[ ] Newsreader
sucks
[ ] You posted an ad
[ ] for a phone-sex line
[ ] for a porn site
[ ] for a company that “pays you to surf”
[ ] for the reason that you would gain references
[ ] to non-relevant groups
[ ] and is probably a scam anyway
[ ] which sucks since nobody asked for it
[ ] You posted a stupid pyramid scheme and claimed it was legal.
[ ] You spam
[ ] in HTML
[ ] You are wasting bandwidth
[ ] You posted a binary into a non-binaries group
[ ] You never post anything other that text to binaries groups
[ ] YOU POSTED IN ALL CAPS
[ ] You posted in eLiTe CaPS
[ ] You posted in HTML
[ ] You posted shite
[ ] in HTML
[ ] You continually post telling us what time you are on/offline
[ ] and refuse to stop
[ ] You started a flame-war
[ ] and lost
[ ] You keep sending a stupid scam to this group
[ ] You submitted e-mail addresses to spambots/”mailing” lists
[ ] causing mail servers to crash
[ ] causing people to change their e-mail address
[ ] Anything above has been pointed out before
To Repent, You Must
[ ] Give up your AOL/WebTV account
[ ] Tell your Mummy you’ve been a bad boy
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Post something relevant (or not at all)
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Delete your news/mail client and burn the disks
[ ] Right click on this newsgroup and click “unsubscribe”
[ ] Pack your computer and send it to me
[ ] Actually tell the truth about Office 2000
In Closing, I Would Like To Say
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Don’t do it ever again please
[ ] Never post again
[ ] Age 10 more years before you post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] CAPS LOCK is on the left
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] I hate your news/mail client
[ ] And so does everyone else
[ ] Everybody here hates you
[ ] Learn to quote
[ ] All of the above
[ ] Merry Christmas and a Cool Yule!
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on top secret windows 98 source code
/*TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) CodeProject: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include “allwin31.h”
#include “allwin95.h”
#include “somewinnt.h”
#include “restjunk.h”
#define INSTALL = “2 HARD”
char make_prog_look_big[1600000000];
void main()
{ while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_75_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
#if (YEAR > 1997)
basically_run_windows_3.1();
#else
basically_run_windows_95();
#endif
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
{ disable_cache(); }
if (fast_cpu())
{ set_wait_states(MAX_WAIT_STATES);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf(“Welcome to Windows 3.11”); */
/* printf(“Welcome to Windows 95”); */
printf(“Welcome to Windows 98”);
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open(“a:swp0001.swp”, O_CREATE);
while(1)
{
get_user_input();
sleep(25);
act_on_user_input();
if(uptime() > 300) create_general_protection_fault();
sleep(25);
}
}
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on windows the virus?
Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:
They replicate quickly – okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so – okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk – okay, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh… Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware.
Yup, that’s with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It’s a bug.
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on lord of the OS
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows XP on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows XP CD. To my surprise he threw it into my microwave oven and turned it on.
Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: ‘Do not worry, it is unharmed.’
After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: ‘Take a close look at it.’
To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I had ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE820945092OF923A40EElOE5IOCC98D444AA08E324
‘I cannot understand the fiery letters,’ I said in a timid voice. ‘No but I can,’ he said. ‘The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
It is only two lines from a verse long known in System lore:
“Three OS’s from corporate kings in their towers of glass,
Seven from valley lords where orchards used to grow,
Nine from dotcoms doomed to die,
One from the Dark Lord Gates on his dark throne
In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.
One OS to rule them all, one OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them,
In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.”
A NOTE OF WARNING – SERIOUSLY
Don’t, I SAY – DON’T, put a CD in a microwave to test the story. The ‘shiny’ layer inside all CD’s is a thin layer of aluminum and WILL GET HOT!
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on the *nix alphabet
A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
D is for dd, the command that does all.
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for join, which nobody uses.
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
N is for nice, which it really is not.
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib, for sorting a table.
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true, which does very little.
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on official project stages
1. Uncritical acceptance
2. Wild enthusiasm
3. Dejected disillusionment
4. Total confusion
5. Search for the guilty
6. Punishment of the innocent
7. Promotion of the non-participants
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on how to please an IT department
A quick check list for those who need to make contact.
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.
9. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We’re collectors.
11. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That motivates us.
14. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on what if operating systems were airlines
DOS Airlines
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump on again, and so on.
OS/2 Airlines
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Once they finally finished you’re offered a flight at reduced cost. To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip…except for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Unix Airlines
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
Wings of OS/400
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted “747” on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting department can call it overhead.
Mach Airlines
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they’re building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them that they have arrived.
Newton Airlines
After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your name. After 6 times, the crew member recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces that you have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.
VMS Airlines
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.
BeOS Air
You have to pay for the tickets, but they’re half the price of Windows Air, and if you are an aircraft mechanic you can probably ride for free. It only takes 15 minutes to get to the airport and you are cheuferred there in a limozine. BeOS Air only has limited types of planes that only only hold new luggage. All planes are single seaters and the model names all start with an “F” (F-14, F-15, F-16, F-18, etc.). The plane will fly you to your destination on autopilot in half the time of other Airways or you can fly the plane yourself. There are limited destinations, but they are only places you’d want to go to anyway. You tell all your friends how great BeOS Air is and all they say is “What do you mean I can’t bring all my old baggage with me?”
Linux Airlines
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with Comments Off on bedtime prayers
a womans prayer
Lord…
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One who’s willy’s thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask “How big’s my behind?”
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.
Amen.
a mans prayer
Lord………..
I pray for a lady with big tits.
Amen
