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Humour

girlfriend

Dear Technical Support: I’m currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in […]

hello, world!

=================== High School/Jr.High =================== 10 PRINT “HELLO WORLD” 20 END ===================== First year in College ===================== program Hello(input, output) begin writeln(‘Hello World’); end. ====================== Senior year in College ====================== (defun hello (print (cons ‘Hello (list ‘World)))) ================ New professional ================ #include void main(void) { char *message[] = {“Hello “, “World”}; int i; for(i = 0; […]

computer chickens

NT Chicken Was going to cross the road in June. No, August. Anyway – it’s going to cross the road real soon now. OS/2 Chicken It tried to cross the road several times, and finally gave up. Win 95 Chicken You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes […]

dr spinola’s guide to technical support

So you want to be a support profesional Technical support is possibly the simplest area of the IT industry. Some organisations would appear to have got hold of the wrong end of the stick and introduced a call centre located in Bosnia, Scotland or Northern Ireland staffed with willing, knowledgeable people who unfortunately cannot speak […]

12 step recovery plan

12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR NETWORK ADDICTS 1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3) I will get dressed before noon. 4) I […]

standard newsgroup response form

Dear [ ] Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] AOLer [ ] “Me too”er [ ] Pervert [ ] WebTVer [ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Pre-teen [ ] Smartass [ ] Freak [ ] Dumbass [ ] All of the above You Are Being Flamed Because [ ] You posted using Microsoft’s […]

top secret windows 98 source code

/*TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) CodeProject: Chicago(tm) Projected release-date: Summer 1998 */ #include “allwin31.h” #include “allwin95.h” #include “somewinnt.h” #include “restjunk.h” #define INSTALL = “2 HARD” char make_prog_look_big[1600000000]; void main() { while(!CRASHED) { display_copyright_message(); display_bill_rules_message(); do_nothing_loop(); if (first_time_installation) { make_75_megabyte_swapfile(); do_nothing_loop(); totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); hang_system(); } write_something(anything); display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); do_some_stuff(); if (still_not_crashed) { display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); #if (YEAR > 1997) […]

windows the virus?

Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do: They replicate quickly – okay, Windows does that. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so – okay, Windows does that. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk – okay, Windows does […]

lord of the OS

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows XP on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows XP CD. To my surprise he threw it into my microwave […]

the *nix alphabet

A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and B is for biff, which reads all your mail. C is for cc, as hackers recall, while D is for dd, the command that does all. E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. G is […]

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